Meeting up

Having used the Adoption UK discussion boards for quite a while, one of the people local to me who has been a wealth of information and support, offered to meet up for a coffee.

Mrs M has had her two boys for 18 months. They are now aged 8 and 2. I met the little one, TM, as she bought him with her.

Mrs M was happy to chat about life as an adoptive parent and all it has in store. She answered all my questions frankly and honestly, and really put things into perspective. I am sure she has not had it easy, but at last, things are starting to settle down.

She told me that for the first year, she and her husband did not have a meal out. The children were so clingy and unsettled that they could not even think about getting a babysitter. Also, her eldest son, SM, had been through so much that prior to them moving here, if he had stayed at his school, he would have been excluded for his behaviour.

Having been told on our prep course that the best thing for the child when they arrive is to put them straight into school, to get them used to the routine. Mrs M said that she wishes she had kept SM at home for the first term, to give him time to settle and bond with her. His transition to the new school would then have been less traumatic for him.

Another thing we talked about was discipline. I read in books that you have to discipline an adopted child in a completely different way to a birth child. Naughty steps and time out are a complete no-no. Mrs M said that you can do time out but you have to be careful not to send the child to time out, somewhere out of sight. Do time out in the corner of the room you are in, on a beanbag or chair or mat. That way, they are not thinking they are being sent somewhere and are rejected again.

Mrs M was quite scathing about the funding they had. She said that they received a 250 pound settling in grant for the eldest, but as the youngest was under 2, they got nothing. They had to pay for everything - beds, buggy, car seats etc etc... She has advised me to ensure I put as much financial requests in as possible, so that the child's LA gives an ongoing amount of money on a regular basis. She also said that she has heard that you can put into this package an amount to cover a cleaner and someone to do the ironing.

So much to think about and learn!

S

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