Oops!

I had really intended to keep the blog up to date and something to look back on and remember. What a nice thought! However, reality is a little more different. Me, Him & Junior if you are reading this, I need to follow by example!!

Well in the last few months since the last blog, we have:

1. Just about completed home study (apart from the 2nd opinion visit)

2. Moved from Germany back to Wales

3. I have job-hunted, been offered a good job and about to start work

4. DH has changed his job and is now doing something completely different but working away from home during the week until February (hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel, as it isn't forever)

5. Had our annual Center Parcs holiday with the brother-in-law, wife and niece and nephew. Observed for one day by the SW.

6. Been told that we are going to panel in March.

7. Started work on the portfolio. LOTS to do

8. Trying to get the spare bedroom and the dining room unpacked for the SW visit at the beginning of December.

9. Decided that we are going to be approved for up to 2 children aged 0-7 but likely to begin with one child. Too many horror stories about siblings to want to put ourselves through that. And, with me working full-time, not really feasible.

Will update when I know more.

S

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Home Study Visit # 3

Things seem to be going quite steadily and so far, so good. We are not finding the sessions too intimidating but we aren't sure of what is to come!

We have both had our medicals this week and DH's is finished. I have one more session on Monday with the GP. In all, we will have had 1.5 hours each to get the application forms completed. I am hoping it will all be plain sailing......

The third home study visit has been and gone this week too. We were given lots of scenarios and we had to read them out aloud and then discuss amongst us what action we would take - e.g. your adopted son's birth mother has been murdered. It is her funeral next week... What do you tell him?

Some of the scenarios are real eye openers and take some thought. Thankfully she complimented us on our choices and said that she found that DH and I complement each other and work well together - so that was a good brownie point.

We have also been sent a massive 9 page personal questionnaire, which we both have to complete separately. It is a little intimidating and asks for your views on not only your own relationship, your parents' parenting style and childhood, but also about your sexual relationship! Bit too much information me thinks...

We are back in the UK for a family visit next week but have already got three more sessions lined up for when we get back. The first one is just DH and SW together (without me) and then the following week it is me and SW (without DH), and the third one is all together. That will take us up to # 6, so we might not have too many to go after that.

I have booked a pitch at the local car boot sale when we get back, so I am trying to de-clutter!

S

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Home Study Visit # 2

After a delay in getting started, we finally started our second home study visit. We started off chatting about our support network - family, friends and colleagues who we could rely on physically and emotionally.

We then did a preliminary health and safety questionnaire, highlighting a few areas which would require some work before panel - e.g. cupboard and drawer locks and oven locks in the kitchen; stair gates; fire extinguisher etc etc

We were reminded that we needed to get the 3rd bedroom cleared of all the clutter and I tried to pin the SW down to timeframes. I thought we would have 6 months or so to get it cleared but SW reckons 2-3 months maximum, so we'd better get cracking.... if only DH would let me in there!

We have today received in the post a Child Protection long distance study pack. One each, which needs to be completed and the test papers sent back to the UK for marking. Apparently it is new procedure for all new adopters to complete. I am not moaning - it can only help can't it.

We have just joined the BAAF and Be My Parent magazine. There are quite a few children on the online version - two come to mind. One is a 1 year old 'dual heritage' boy who sounds lovely and is really cute. The other is a sibling group of 3 boys - aged 12, and twins of 4 yrs. I think the first one is more suitable at the moment as three boys are likely to be such a shock after no kids!

S

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Home Study Visit # 1

Well the social worker has just gone and we have survived the first home study session! She was very nice and I think we all got on well. She seems to think if all goes smoothly, that we should be approved by Christmas!!!

We pretty much went through all the basics again with her - what we had learnt on the prep course; the reasons why we had decided to adopt; the number and ages of the children we were looking etc.etc.

She wanted to look around the house (upstairs is a total tip!) and I don't think she was particularly impressed too see three of our four cats stretched out asleep on the spare bed. Her reaction was not really very positive!!

Anyway, she is going to be sending us some homework and we are going to have fortnightly visits from next week onwards (she reckons 6 to 8 visits should be enough), each lasting approx. 2 hours.

So positive - so far, so good.

S

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Meeting up

Having used the Adoption UK discussion boards for quite a while, one of the people local to me who has been a wealth of information and support, offered to meet up for a coffee.

Mrs M has had her two boys for 18 months. They are now aged 8 and 2. I met the little one, TM, as she bought him with her.

Mrs M was happy to chat about life as an adoptive parent and all it has in store. She answered all my questions frankly and honestly, and really put things into perspective. I am sure she has not had it easy, but at last, things are starting to settle down.

She told me that for the first year, she and her husband did not have a meal out. The children were so clingy and unsettled that they could not even think about getting a babysitter. Also, her eldest son, SM, had been through so much that prior to them moving here, if he had stayed at his school, he would have been excluded for his behaviour.

Having been told on our prep course that the best thing for the child when they arrive is to put them straight into school, to get them used to the routine. Mrs M said that she wishes she had kept SM at home for the first term, to give him time to settle and bond with her. His transition to the new school would then have been less traumatic for him.

Another thing we talked about was discipline. I read in books that you have to discipline an adopted child in a completely different way to a birth child. Naughty steps and time out are a complete no-no. Mrs M said that you can do time out but you have to be careful not to send the child to time out, somewhere out of sight. Do time out in the corner of the room you are in, on a beanbag or chair or mat. That way, they are not thinking they are being sent somewhere and are rejected again.

Mrs M was quite scathing about the funding they had. She said that they received a 250 pound settling in grant for the eldest, but as the youngest was under 2, they got nothing. They had to pay for everything - beds, buggy, car seats etc etc... She has advised me to ensure I put as much financial requests in as possible, so that the child's LA gives an ongoing amount of money on a regular basis. She also said that she has heard that you can put into this package an amount to cover a cleaner and someone to do the ironing.

So much to think about and learn!

S

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Graduated!!

We are now back home after four days of intensive Adoption Preparation Training Course. We feel so much more knowledgeable and are thankful to have been given the chance to do the course in one go - those that do evenings or once a week must really struggle to piece things all together.

We have learnt so much about trauma, loss, attachment, trust, placement, contact .... the tutor was truly inspirational and her background both as an adoption social worker and as an adopted person herself, has really been an 'authentic' insight.

There are so many different types of children and lots of people automatically assume that a younger child will be less 'damaged'. To be honest this is a myth (in lots of cases). A child who is younger does not know how to express themselves, so they tend to keep their feelings and thoughts deep rooted until later in life, when it can all come to a head. Whereas an older child can say how they are feeling and are able to make people aware of their feelings.

With the course being in London, we made full advantage and got out and about every evening (living overseas, there are lots of things we miss about Britain!). On Monday night we travelled to Brick Lane for a curry. Tuesday night saw us in one of London's best fisn n chip restaurants. Wednesday we went to Chinatown and had my favourite Crispy Duck with pancakes! Thursday night we opted for a vegetarian Turkish mezze. My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

We finally arrived home this morning after a 4am wake up call. Our cats were extremely pleased to see us and have been showering us with affection all afternoon.

The next step in our journey is to her from our newly appointed social worker within the next 3 weeks. This will comence with the home study period, which is expected to last about 8 months.

S
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Course begins!

Well we arrived in London on Monday afternoon and we had a nice jaunt down to Oxford Street, so to soak up the atmosphere. Had lovely tea and cake in John Lewis, which was scrummy.

Both of us are feeling excited and a little anxious about the unknown but not really very nervous. We know this is the next step in our journey...

The course began yesterday morning and the first hour or so is always difficult with a room full of strangers, but we soon relaxed and things began to flow well. It was so interesting. Discussing 'Identity' and how it shapes us for the rest of our lives. We also had a video to watch on a guy in his 40's who had been searching for his identity after leaving Barnardo's and having a hard life. In the afternoon we did a case study and it got us thinking about attachment and loss.

On the whole, everything has been very well organised and the main lady running the course is an inspiration. She is really, really good.

More follows soon!

S

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Getting closer!

Well we are getting that little bit closer...... coundown is on to the preparation course in London - 6 days and counting.....

Have to say that up until now I have been rather excited but nerves are certainly starting to set in. Not sure what the other people will be like. We have had a list of attendees and it does appear to have some prospective single and same sex adopters. Doesn't bother us in the slightest. Will be interesting to meet a selection of people who are in the same boat as us.

We both love London and I think we hope to be able to sample traditional British food, having been out of the country for almost 7 years now. Proper fish n chips!!

Proper curry from Brick Lane. Decent shopping in Oxford Street...

It has difused what would probably be a much more stressful week, had it been anywhere else.

Very few people know we are going, so we are going to have to tell parents a few white lies about where we are next week, as no doubt they will try to call during the week and get worried if they have no joy all week....

I know it is going to be a pretty intense week but I am still a little excited to be one step nearer our goal of having a family.

S

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Confirmation

Today we had an interesting brown envelope in the post from our VA. It was an official invitation to join their next Adoption Preparation Course in March (in London). We knew unofficially that we'd been reserved a space but nothing quite prepares you for the letter and seeing it in black and white.

We also had the form to complete, which offially means we are prospective adopters and starting the ball rolling with the VA. Thankfully they are paying our travelling expenses and accommodation costs (which from Germany and with 5 nights accommodation in central London), is a Godsend.

I haven't really explained our reasons for adoption on my blog yet. To be honest I wasn't sure where to start! Maybe I should start from the beginning - but you are warned - it is a long one!!

I met DH over the internet in 1997. These were the days when the internet was starting to be accessible to ordinary households in the UK and the dangers of meeting strange met on the internet were not really well known!! Had they been and had I told my parents before I met him for the first time, what followed might never had happened!!!

We chatted online for the first two months or so. Both of us rushing home from work (him in England and me in Wales) and hogging the computer all night, chatting about everything and anything. We eventually met up in person in June 1997 and he travelled to my home city to see me and we explored the area together, taking in the sights and the shops.

The following week, one night after work, I drove down to his home to meet his family. About three weeks later he moved in with me and the rest is history! I was 24 and he was 30. That was almost 13 years ago.......

Our adoption route isn't one of prior heartache at failed IVF. I have been sad that we were unable to conceive (partly because of my medical condition) but we felt that IVF was not right for us, and decided to try adoption instead.

If you don't ask, you don't get!

Having posed the question in work as to whether I am entitled to special paid leave to go on my Adoption Prep Course, it was apparently new to those working in civil labour.

Normally, you get time off during placement but there is nothing written down in the employment manual for any sort of leave during the adoption process...... Those that are pregnant get time off for parentcraft classes or ante-natal classes but the adoptive parent is left out - a common trend I fear.....

Close friends and colleagues know about the adoption but I hadn't actually mentioned it to my line manager yet. So I thought I had better tell him, rather than let him hear from someone else. He told me he was pleased for us and would support me in any way he could.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised today when I got a letter from HR to say that my request for 5 days Special Paid Leave had been granted. Four days for the prep course and a day's travelling.

If you don't ask, you don't get!! If something isn't written down as being a definite no, then challenge it!

The Initial Visit

After putting our adoption journey on hold about 18 months ago, we finally felt ready to proceed with our quest to be a family. The initial initial visit had been so negative (not about us) that we needed time to think about exactly what sort of child(ren) were suitable for us.

Living overseas and going through a UK Voluntary Agency (VA) makes it a little different from the 'norm' and we were expecting a long day for our second 'initial' visit. The social worker (SW) flew out from the UK to spend a few hours with us. After collecting her from the hotel at 0915 in the morning, we spent the day chatting about ourselves, our hopes and dreams for the future and her talking about the children that were available for adoption.

SW was very well experienced and had reached a senior level in social work before her retirement and subsequent sessional worker status. She discussed a lot of the case histories she had worked on and their outcomes in great detail (obviously anonymous), and we had a real insight. It went so much better than the first initial visit, which made us totally doubt everything.

Eleven hours later we dropped her back at her hotel!!!! It was a long day and it was very mentally draining but we were now officially on the road to adoption and have been approved to go on the 4-day prep course in March. We can't wait!!

We know that it will be a really intense 4 days but we are very resilient and are eager to learn. We are hoping to eventually be approved for a sibling group of up to 3 children, aged either 0-5 or 0-7 years.

The home study (which will last up to 8 months) will commence after we have completed the prep course, and been allocated a new SW, who will see us through to the approval panel. One thing that both my husband (DH) and I need to do before then is to have some current childcare experience, so I am hoping to join the Rainbows (aged 5-7) as a helper and DH will enquire about helping at the local youth club (aged 8+).

I am hoping to update this blog as I have new information or news.

S

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